Forever Torn
by cnikkis
Summary: Fear drives us to make stupid decisions. Edward is in an unhappy relationship and everyone can see it but him. In this story Edward deals with regret and tragedy, and tries to find his way back to Bella. AU/AH, abuse, lemons, and language.
1. Ghosts

Forever Torn

**Disclaimer- I do not own anything Twilight or anything you may recognize throughout this story. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Summary- Companion to Forever in your Heart, told in Edward's point of view. Why did Edward string both girls along? What was going through his head? What made him so determined to make his doomed relationship with Tanya work?**

* * *

**Ratings/ Warnings- Rated M for lemons, violence, language, and themes suited for mature audiences.**

**Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about.**

I close my eyes and see her. Not the ice blue eyes I should be seeing, or the soft waves of strawberry blonde, no the eyes are chocolate and as is the hair. She smiles at me and sets fire to every part of my body. I can't think of anything else but her in that moment the girl I left behind.

She was young, sixteen. Girls that young often change their mind. I had to say goodbye even if I didn't want to. It would be easier if I let her go now before she grew out of me. On our last day together I told her the last thing I ever wanted to say, "Bella, this is the last time you will see me for a long time. I want you to move on with your life, and be happy. You will be in my heart and memories always, and be the only person I wish to run home to." Those words broke me apart inside, leaving me torn. I couldn't talk to her after that, if I did nothing would keep me from running back into her arms. Bella was like oxygen. She is the only girl I can ever feel that way with, I just hope she has moved on.

Now I have a problem to winning her back. I am no longer the best thing for her and I know it. She deserves so much more then a pansy man who can't handle the fear of falling in love. That is why I found Tanya. She is far from perfect, but she is a girl I could spend the rest of my life with. She is the exact opposite of Bella, so no constant reminders of what could have been. Tanya is an amazing girl, funny, enjoyable, though not as smart as I normally go for.

Tanya is the woman I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with. She is the best second best I should ever hope for. I almost love her for that.

I open my eyes to see my almost angel sitting next to me. She is scowling out the window. "Babe, what's wrong"

"I don't see why we have to live with your family. We have the money to get our own place, and we will have privacy. I just don't understand why you have such a serious problem with sex before marriage, I mean we're engaged. We aren't going to be with anyone else, why wait?" Bella would understand hell she did understand. She had the same viewpoints as I did. I wonder what she's doing now.

I chose to answer Tanya. I needed to talk to someone who wasn't a ghost inside my head. "Honey, it is the best thing for us. You need to get to know them, we are a tight knit family and we will constantly be spending time with them."

"Not if I have anything to do with it," I heard her mumble. Why did I even want to stay with her? Oh, I can answer that, she was the perfect substitute, not a single reminder of what could have been.

"We will be on the ground in Seattle in five minutes, please remain seated until the captain turns off the fasten seatbelt sign." Only about twenty minutes before I can see my family again. I missed them terribly.

I talked to all of them through email and letters throughout the course of my search for self. I told them not to tell Bella, and I didn't ask anything about her. They didn't know about Tanya and Alice still thought I was hung up on Bella. The girl knew too much.

The pain of being away from Bella has gotten easier as time went on, and I think that I am almost over her. A few more months with Tanya and it will be Bella who, not Bella love. I'm not sure about anything about her. I pray that she is gone from my life so I can move on with Tanya. Losing her again would hurt more then the first time.

* * *

"Edward," shrieked my mother, "baby it's been to long! Who is this?" She asked as Tanya took her place beside me.

I wrapped my arm around her, "Mom, this is my fiancé Tanya. She will be living with us until we can get a place of our own. We should be getting our own place after the wedding."

"Son shouldn't you have run this by us first? What makes you think that we will be ok with this?" Dad asked me in his I am trying to be polite, but I am really furious with you voice.

"I figured it would be fine, after all you practically moved in one of my high school friends." I chose not to mention her name, Tanya knew nothing of Bella.

Carlisle grumbled towards Esme who answered for him, "Next time ask. It's such a," mom seemed to stumble for her next word, "pleasure to meet you Tanya. Please make yourself feel at home here." Mom couldn't possibly think that I was still hung up on Bella. That relationship was never going to happen again. I didn't want to hurt her or be hurt.

We grabbed the luggage, and headed towards dad's SUV. It was a black Mercedes, I knew it was quick just by the tags and wanted to take it out for a joy ride. "Edward, I know your car was left in Alaska. Do you want us to stop so you can get a new one?" I hoped they would ask this, I needed a Volvo for myself and a used Acura for Tanya. She would have to deal; she's not my wife yet.

"Sure thing, a Volvo for me and I'll find something on the lot for Tanya." She gave me an evil look. I just smiled at her. It was clean, it ran, and it was a car. I didn't have anything to prove to her.

My parents grumbled again as we made our way to the dealership. I'm not sure why they hated Tanya so much, it's not like she ever did anything to them. At the dealer I bought a new s40 for myself and a used Integra for Tanya. She seemed to like it.

We finally arrived at the house and I was shocked at the location. It was right off the water, sitting in a grove of trees. It was a beautiful home. I slammed my door and headed inside. "Welcome home son. We missed you," was the first thing I heard as I walked through the door. I looked to the source of the voice and saw Charlie. I guess Bella didn't highlight what I did. She was so considerate. Charlie was like a second father to me.

The next thing I saw was black spikes and the feeling of being hit by a train, Alice. "Edward, we missed you," she said as we embraced. "Please tell us everything you have been up too. I want all your stories." I had so much to tell her, but I had a feeling she was going to kill me in a few moments.

I looked to the corner of the room and saw the familiar pink cheeks and brown mane that belonged to my Bella. I bit back tears and smiled at her. She smelled amazing as I placed my arms around her, Burberry, Pantene, and a floral scent that was all hers.

"Hi," she told me, trying to smile. I could see the hesitation and fear in her eyes.

"Hi," I answered back, my mind finally drifting towards Tanya and the fact she was about to barge in here any second. I didn't want Bella to know about her. For some reason I felt almost as if I were cheating on Tanya. My feelings for Bella came rushing back in a tidal wave.

Bella turned around, presumably to say hi to my parents when in walked Tanya. I saw her face fall immediately. Carlisle and Esme were scowling as they walked in close behind her, and I knew she knew something was going on. I missed having a girl who could tell the difference between World War One and Two.

I conjured up every ounce of courage I had left, I had the feeling I was going to break Bella apart again, and after I killed her, Alice would rip me limb from limb. "This is my fiancé Tanya. She will be staying with us for a few months, until we can get a house. Tanya this is Charlie, Bella, and my sister Alice. Charlie and Bella are family friends, almost like a second father and sister to me." Bella's eyes narrowed in rage to the comment of her being like a sister to me. I guess I deserved that, I was being an ass. I really need some alone time to sort this through my head.

Alice stared at me and looked to Tanya, "Welcome to the family," was what she to Tanya in the fakest voice I had heard since Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Bella grimaced and embraced her, "Welcome," followed by a very quiet bitch was all I heard. This is going to be one fun endeavor.

* * *

After I got all the luggage hauled into the house I took off on my own. I needed to find my own special place, one where I could escape to and not be bothered.

I finally found it in a gorgeous meadow. I sat in the middle and cried. I cried for Bella, I cried because I didn't have the courage to take her back. I cried because I couldn't have the one person I wanted most in the entire world. I didn't understand why I insisted on staying with Tanya, she was not the right person for me. She wouldn't even be the right person if Bella wasn't in the picture. I need to stay with her though, she is a girl that most men would die for, she does whatever she's told, she can cook, and she always looks like she walked off the runway. She is the poster child for fifties house wife, but she isn't Bella. Bella has a mind of her own; she would ask me why I wanted her to do something she didn't really want to do. Tanya just does it; it's like having a perfectly trained dog follow me around. I miss having a girl who can think for herself, but I am afraid that Bella will hurt me. Bella can hurt me like no one else can. At this point in my life I would rather stay away from her and imagine then throw myself into a relationship that would kill me if it ever ended.

* * *

**End Notes- This story will be the true companion to Forever in your Heart. Edward throughout this will be in self denial or whining about how scared he is about being with Bella. Edward will be praising Tanya one minute and insulting her the next. Bella and Edward will get together eventually though and the story shows their journey to each other. If you haven't read Forever in Your Heart, I would read it. It contains some parts and thoughts that won't be in this one. Just like some parts in Forever Torn will have some parts not in Forever in your Heart. Please review if you feel like it. **


	2. Soulmates

Chapter Song: _Hot and Cold _Katy Perry

* * *

"Edward, we are taking you to dinner. Feel free to leave Tanya here to bond with the girls." My father told me.

"Dad, can't she come with? She is going to be your daughter in a little while anyways." Carlisle looked at me with smoke coming out of his ears. I guess he really doesn't want anything to do with her.

"Son, this is supposed to be us catching up. I have some things to discuss with you without her around. Please put on your nice clothes and be ready in fifteen minutes." He turned on his heel, and walked out of my room.

I moped while I got my suit together. I never mope; I didn't even want her to come with. I just wanted someone with to take the pressure off me. I was scared of the wrath of my parents. They had the decency not to yell at me in front of Tanya, but I knew once we got alone all hell would break loose. At least Rose was still abroad, she would unleash a hell on me that would make Hades look like Jesus.

I knew they were mad, everyone, even Alice. I couldn't guess why though. I did what I thought I was supposed to do. I moved on; found someone I could have a life with. Isn't that what every parent wants for their child? Don't all parents want their child to be happy? Maybe, this has something to do with Bella. She was still in their lives. I never realized that they would stay close. She never seemed to bond with the family, but I guess I was too focused on our relationship to notice anything. Looking back now, even Rose seemed to love her. Crap, well I guess I have a lot to own up too.

* * *

The restaurant was a little sea food place off the dock. My parents and I piled into the booth and stared each other down. Great, this is not going to end well.

"Son, I have a few things that I would like to discuss with you. The first being your lack of respect when you brought Tanya home without telling us. I do not have a problem with you dating someone else, but what I do have a problem with is you having a relationship when you are still clearly in love with someone else." Dad told me, his eyes boring into the entire time. "I know you are still in love with Bella, it is obvious. I also would have understood if you would have a better relationship with her. After seeing Bella and you together I came to expect that if you were to find someone else you wouldn't sell yourself short."

"I'm not! I love Tanya; if I didn't do you think that I would be marrying her? She is not a Bella substitute I do love her." I practically yelled at him. He was treating me like I was a teenager again.

"Edward, don't yell at your father! He's right; you are acting like a spoiled little kid who wants a new toy. I would understand your relationship with her if I thought she was the best thing for you but she's not! She is hiding something, she isn't good for you! Stop and think!" My mom answered back. I thought she would understand and be supportive; she always loved the idea of me getting married. She wanted me to find someone that I could spend the rest of my life with.

"Edward, Tanya is not the type of girl you want to be with! She can barely spell her own name for Christ's sake. How can you be happy with someone who shares no interests with you? I can't accept someone who is not the type of girl I want you to be with. Sure she looks like a super model, but that is all she has going for her. All she would be good for is having babies and taking care of the house! I thought we raised you better then that!" That was mean dad, she is good at other things too, and I just can't remember them right now.

"Dad she is an amazing woman! I don't see how you can be so judgmental about her before you even spent time with her. I do not want to be with Bella anymore, she was a high school fling. I need something with substance something that will stand the test of time. Bella needs someone else too. We are no good for each other. Why can't you see that?" My face was red and I felt like I would explode. Why can't they see that being with Bella would just hurt us in the long run?

"Bella was not just a high school fling, and you know it. I'm not sure who the hell you think you are now, but it sure as hell isn't the child I brought into the world. Right now your head is shoved so far up you ass that I'm surprised you can even see where you are walking. Edward, stop lying to yourself and take a chance." He argued with me. "This conversation is over for now. I still want you to have a home in my house after dinner."

Mom mouthed sorry towards me and I focused on my biscuits. Dad couldn't be right, could he? Could Bella still want to be with me even though I put her through all that I put her through? I can barley love myself after that. I missed everything that happened to her over the years, from her graduation to getting her first book deal. I guess I should probably try to rekindle the friendship we had, if she still wants something to do with me. Why would she talk to me though? I brought someone else into the picture as a replacement, what would I do if she had someone else in the picture? Could I still talk to her without getting jealous? If I want to get married to Tanya I need to put these feelings away. I am scared that she will be able to see that I still love her though. Bella was so perceptive.

I ate my crab in silence. My mom opened her mouth every now and again as if to say something. Dad was still seething. I wanted to ask them if Bella held on to me throughout the years, but I figured that would probably be a question better directed at Alice. "Edward, you know she never moved on. She cried for you for about two years and then decided to make herself perfect. She got a degree, and is now planning on going back to get a master's in English. She wants you to be proud of her; she wants to be good enough for you."

"She still loves you, maybe even more so then the day you left. She will only let you in though if you can prove yourself." My mother told me as if reading my mind. I couldn't help but smile.

"This is why you can't marry Tanya, or even be exclusive!" Came from my father he looked at me with sparks in his eyes, "You can't have a relationship with someone when you brighten up at the mere mention of someone else. What your mother just told you brightened your mood. It wasn't Tanya that made you smile it was Bella, and not even seeing her. It was the knowledge that you still cared. How can you do this to them? Edward, why would you do this to yourself?"

"I don't know," was all I said before I threw my fork down and walked out to the car.

"He'll come around. He just needs to realize that he can't live without Bella. I just hope it's before the wedding." Was what I heard before I left the small building. I threw myself into the car and let my mind wander. The entire way back to the house would have been torture if I hadn't have been so lost in my thoughts about both my leading ladies.

I made the decision to talk to both of them when I got home. If I talked to them both it might help make my decision easier. I thought I wanted Tanya for the rest of my life. So what I sometimes imagined Bella in her place, those kisses always became more intimate. Is it a problem to think about your first love? I loved her more then I could ever imagine all those years ago. You can never fall out of love with someone can you? Tanya is second best after Bella, she is a good woman, someone I can spend my time with, but she's not Bella. I always thought that is was normal to love your first love until the day you die. What if Bella is more then that? What if she's my soul mate?

* * *

After arriving back at the house I am immediately assaulted by Tanya. She gave me a passionate kiss that I couldn't return. I wasn't willing to envision Bella in her place. "Hey honey, how was your time with the girls?" I asked her as I brushed her off me.

"It was great, Bella and I sat around getting to know one another, but Alice kept to herself. Bella is so cute, but I have a feeling she doesn't like me very much. Do you think she could be jealous of me? It's not you guys were serious when you were together, why would she care?" Aren't those some loaded questions. Why did Bella lie to her?

Bella wasn't the type of girl to plot against someone, neither was Alice. I guess it must be that she didn't want Tanya to get upset over the past; after all she was smart and probably got the hint when I said she was like a sister to me. "Honey, I highly doubt she's jealous. Bella and the rest of my family take a little while to accept anyone new. We are so close that when someone else enters the picture, we are a little hesitant. We get to know someone before we trust and love them." Somewhat bullshit, we did take a little while to accept new people, except when they immediately clicked. I guess I should reconsider this relationship if Tanya is not clicking, once we get married Tanya will be spending time with the family.

"That's good to know. How was dinner with your parents? Did you tell them we are planning on moving to Vegas when we get married?" Is that all the woman cares about?

"No, they just got me back. I do not want to tell them about leaving so soon after coming home. I know it won't be as long next time, but they need some time with me before I even tell them about leaving."

"You are such a momma's boy!" She said exasperated. "So do you have any more plans for the rest of the day, or can we break in the bed?"

Tanya acted like such a slut sometimes. It's almost like she cared more about my body then anything else. "No, not until after we are married. I want to wait, and if you don't shut up about it then maybe I should reconsider our relationship."

"I was kidding, jeesh. You're leaving me alone again aren't you?" She pouted.

"Yes, I was thinking about doing something with my sisters. Sorry, but I haven't seen them in years and it's time to catch up a little bit." I told her as I grabbed a change of clothes and made my way to the bathroom, on the way out I shouted, "Why don't you spend some time with my parents. They would love to get to know you better."

While I got dressed random thoughts passed through my head. Before I saw Bella again, I didn't mind spending time with Tanya. Now I would rather leave her in the house while I go out and do my own thing. It's almost like I'd rather be alone then spend time with her. I guess that comes with being together for awhile though, I suppose if I would have been with Bella longer, I would have felt this way eventually. All the mystery is gone from Tanya now, there is nothing more that I can learn from her; not that there was much in the first place. The things I love about her seem so insignificant. With Bella I was in love with her mind as well as what she represented.

Tanya has some perks to though, she is a good woman. She comes up with fun ideas to keep our relationship fresh, she is funny, and determined. Once she sets her mind to something she will not give up on it. Looking at it now though, those are all things Bella has. Actually besides the way they look, the only difference is brains, compassion and loyalty. Bella is the most loyal person I have ever met, and she would give her last dollar to someone who needed it more. Tanya is rather selfish and often puts herself first. I do love Tanya though, don't I? I accept her for who she is, both good and bad, and I love her for it. Granted it's not as strong as I once felt, but you can never feel the way you did with your first love.

I journeyed to the living room lost in thought, when the voice that had been plaguing my thoughts interrupted them, "Edward, do you want to go for a walk? Just so we can catch up." My heart rose and I couldn't help but say yes.

"Bella, of course." I felt happier then I had in years. I tried to push the feelings back down; I shouldn't be feeling this way about her. Just the idea of spending time with her shouldn't make me feel like dancing. I probably shouldn't even be doing this.

The best way to get over someone is to distance yourself from them. I should be doing that again right now, I shouldn't be walking out on to the beach with her when my feelings are still love like. Wait, these feelings could be what I would feel towards a friend! Friends get happy to see one another, and they sometimes dream and fantasize. "Great, just let me grab my coat and we will be off," interrupted my thoughts.

My epiphany made me feel like quoting B-rated movies. I could spend time with Bella and not feel guilty about it. Granted when I was with her I never had eyes for anyone else, but that's beside the point. It's not like I have any conscious intentions of portraying the fantasies that creep up in the most random moments. This will work.

Bella bounced away from me towards the hall closet and grabbed a black rain jacket. She then led me out the back door to the beach. I saw the jade water and immediately felt some sense of peace. The ocean has a way to bring that out in some people. I remembered a walk like this once with Tanya on a very different beach. She had her hair up and was laughing at me. She got the look that told me she was planning something, and tossed me into the Prince George Sound. I was beyond pissed, but I got the game and swore I would get her back. When we walked passed the shallow salmon pools I pushed her in and she got a fish up her skirt. Why she was wearing a skirt in Valdez I'll never know, put it was still hilarious.

I could never do that to Bella though. She wouldn't find the humor in it, plus with as easily as she got cold I'd worry about her getting sick. I wonder why the thought never crossed my mind with Tanya.

"So, your fiancé is verrry interesting. She's quite the looker." Bella told be with a slight push. I couldn't help but smile at her sarcasm, and her in general.

"Tanya's pretty, but that's not the reason I'm with her," I could care less if she was three hundred pounds; I'm not with her because of the way she looks. She is the exact opposite of you, and that's all that matters. I continued in my head as I pushed her back. She tripped over her feet and I caught her. I placed her up right again and looked down into her doe eyes. They were warm and inviting. She licked her lips drawing my attention to them. Our arms were around one another in an embrace that I had missed for so long. I tilted her chin up while bending my head down, bringing her lips closer to mine. I got less then an inch away from her lips before I realized what I was doing. At the last second I realized what I was about to do, and I kissed her forehead instead. "Silly Bella, always falling," I said more to myself then to her. I needed to forget about that side of our relationship, no matter how right it may feel.

"They why are you with her? Certainly not for her brains," Bella told me bringing me back down to earth. I had almost lost the conversation.

"I love the life in her, it almost reminds me of you," I shot her favorite grin towards her, but she was grumbling in protest. Maybe that was the wrong this to say. "She knows how to have a good time. She is constantly planning new ways to keep us entertained," it was true to a point. She did plan new ways to keep us entertained, to bad most of them were for her benefit. I finally realize that I'm not sure why I'm with her; it might just be my determination to make it work.

"Do you really think that will keep you together for a lifetime? It's not like you can have an interesting conversation with her," Bella could never keep her thoughts to herself. When she was passionate about something she always spoke up about it. It's one of the things I loved about her.

"Well, no, but she makes up for it in other areas like random ideas. I have friends I can have conversations with," I looked towards her letting her know I was talking about her. Next one the agenda, I need to see if Esme was telling the truth about her never moving on. She could have met some someone that they don't know about. "So what about you? Do you have any fiancé's I need to beat off with sarcasm and a stick?" Bella instantly tensed, I could tell she didn't want to talk about it.

"No, I guess I never met anyone else." Esme was telling the truth, but why would Bella feel embarrassed about it?

"Edward, can talk about something happier. All this stuff about you marring someone else is kind of a downer." Could she really still love me after everything I put her through? It sure sounded like it.

"Sure thing, Love." Shit my old pet name for her just slipped. I would feel bad if it wasn't true. "What do you study or do for a living?"

She obviously noticed my fumble and smiled, I swear that smile was better then any sunny day. I already knew the answer to the question but I figured it would get the conversation on a better track. "I got my associate's in culinary arts and published a couple of cookbooks. Now I don't really do much but try to find new recipes. I still live with Charlie most of the time, because he needs help. His heart isn't doing to good, and I don't want him to be alone."

Bella always thought about others before herself, so much different then the woman I was planning on marrying. "That's my girl, always putting others before herself." Shit another slip up. I need to get better about that. It's obvious she noticed. "So what do you mean you live with Charlie part time?" That part made me curious. Who else did she live with?

"I live at your house too. I have my own room and everything. Alice convinced Carlisle that since I spent so much time over there I should have my own room and the like. Every week I stay the night like three times." Crap, she would be under the same roof, how can I get over her if she is still in the same house as me? I need distance.

"Wow, that's awesome." I said speaking from my subconscious.

"Edward, what are you doing once you get on your feet?" She was too curious for her own good.

"I got a job as a marketing director for Starbuck's. I will be starting in the next month and then I will be buying a house in the area so that I can be close to work. I guess I also have to help Tanya plan our wedding." I said the last bit grudgingly. I didn't want to get married quite yet, especially when I was questioning my feelings for her.

"Do you want to marry Tanya? If not, I'm sure Alice can scare her off." Girl was too damn perceptive.

"Not right now. She is forcing me into it, saying her family will only continue to give her money if she marries me, and the like." More subconscious word vomit. If I told mom that she would kick Tanya out and call her a gold digger. "I would rather wait and make sure, but she wants to do it now. I don't have a problem with marriage per say, but I'm not sure if Tanya is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with." Jesus Edward, can't you lie to save your own ass. At least I'm not in the sand begging her to take me back, like I almost want to do. I really am scaring myself. At least these feelings only come up when I'm with her, thinking about her, or sleeping.

"If you're not sure why not just tell her that?"

"I don't want to make her mad. She is the best thing to happen to me for a long time, and I can't imagine getting rid of her. I am sure forever will work if we are both invested in it." That's a problem though I may be invested with someone else, mainly the sexy brunette who is going to give me awesome dreams tonight.

"I am sure," she replied sarcasm dripping from her tongue. "So I'm hungry and your fiancé probably wants to see you, do you want to head back? Alice and I have a girl's night planned, and no your blonde Barbie is not invited."

I tried to cheer her up, even though I was not looking forward to a night wrapped up in the couch. "Sure, hey do you know when Rosalie is coming home? Tanya said she wanted to meet her." Tanya wants to meet her so she can start making her own way in life. Tanya would kill to be a model.

"Not for a month or two, she is doing shoots in Australia and Emmett is with her." Great, tonight it's just the two of us.

As I walked up to the big Victorian Alice was walking out. She scowled when she saw me and hoped in the Cobalt with Bella. Instead of walking inside I decided to walk off on my own for awhile. I needed my own space, away from the family. I can't bare to see my parents right now, and who knows what they told Tanya.

I walked into the forest not paying much attention to where I was walking. Who cares what happens to me? I had screwed everything up. I think I'm in love with an Ex, and not platonic love. I am beginning to resent my fiancé through no fault of her own, and to top it all off the only sibling whose home right now won't talk to me. I really hate life right now.

I slipped further and further into my emo mood when my phone rang. I looked and immediately knew it was Jasper. "Hey, bro what's up?"

"What the flying fuck is wrong with you? Bella waited for you for who knows how long and here you are with some girl I can tell you care little about."

"Tanya makes me happy." I told him, trying to get him to lay off.

"Edward, she may do that, but I know you care about Bella. The day you broke things off you cried like a baby for four hours. I don't even know why you did it." Neither did I.

"I did it because I didn't want to get hurt when she grew up. She was only sixteen. She couldn't possibly be in it for forever."

"You moron, she was in it forever the day you two got together. I am coming home soon and when I get there I am kicking your ass into the next century. Be prepared."

"Jasper can't you offer me some words of encouragement. Bella seems to be the only one who isn't tearing my head off and I can't be around her right now."

"Little Bro, listen to your heart, it will lead you home. As for now I need to call the 'rents. Peace out and I guess I won't kick you ass but know that I do not support your relationship with her. Before you ask I am fine, only three more months left before I come home for good. Then I can start my life with the deranged pixie and have little ones! I love you Edward, take care."

"I love you too," was all I got out before the line disconnected. I want him home.

I stumbled into my clearing and sat down. I couldn't help but to start crying. I cried for hours. I cried for what was, what could have been, and what I don't have the power to change. It was weird how I always ended up among the flowers crying, I guess that's because I am so torn inside. Maybe my family was right, maybe things with Tanya need to come to an end.

* * *

**End Notes- I hope Edward's bipolar mood swings don't put you off. He will become less and less bipolar as the story goes on. He will also become less emo. Please review, I enjoy hearing your thoughts! Thank you to all my readers!**

**Also I am looking for a Beta, please send me a PM if you would like to do it for me!**


	3. Bipolar

Chapter Song:_ Love Song-_ 311

* * *

"Mr. Cullen can you file these for me on your way to lunch?" The office bimbo poked her head in and dropped off a stack of papers before leaving. She didn't even wait for my reply.

If I would have known my probationary period would be like, this I might have started at the bottom. All it is paperwork, and no marketing genius. I guess though that all good managers need to learn the job of their subordinates. I stared at the stack of papers that needed to be faxed, filed, or mailed and sighed. I'd rather be designing a new logo or slogan. I hate doing peasant work. Even Tanya can type in a fax number.

"Mr. Cullen's desk, how may I help you?" I said into the ringing phone. At least I was still getting the marketing directors salary.

"Edward, can you please meet me in my office," the CEO said in my ear. What the hell did I do now?

I smoothed out my clothes as I stood up and made my way down the hallway. I hope this is some good news, like I don't know getting off secretary duty.

"Aww, Mr. Cullen, the rising star of our new marketing department. How are you today?"

I wanted to yell and scream my boredom to him, but of course that wouldn't work. "Fine, thank you sir. And you?" Rule number one in the business world, never complain, especially when you are getting paid triple that of others doing the same job as you.

"I'm well thank you. Edward what are your career goals?"

How the hell do I respond to that? I'm not sure about my goals; honestly I'd rather be playing my piano. "Well sir, I hope to move up further within the company once I am able to do so. I have no set place where I want to stop; I guess it all depends on how I feel I can handle the workload." That sounded decent.

"Just what I wanted to hear my boy, in two years our CMO is retiring and we will need a replacement. I would like to offer you the position of his apprentice until that time. Hours are much like you are working now, and travel though prominent will only be about twenty percent of the time. The pay will make what you are making now look like lunch money. Are you interested?"

WTF!? He is offering me a seat on the board of directors? I am defiantly going to take this job. "I am very interested sir. When do I start training?"

"After your probationary period, we need you to learn what all the people under you do. Also in six months you will begin getting half of what the CMO makes yearly. It's not much by my standards, but a young chap such as your self will probably drop dead at the sight of your first paycheck. There is a contract involved as well. You must stay on at the company for five years after you are promoted, would you like to sign it now?"

Yes Mr. Boss Man I am defiantly going to sign the paperwork. I will read over the pay requirements and then see my retirement date. "I will sign it now. Do you still want me to file the paperwork on my desk?"

"Why don't you take your lunch and then go ahead to meet with Mr. Smith, the paperwork should be done by the people who are paid to do so. I feel that you already know the job, the next one you need to learn is the job you would have been doing."

"Yes sir, I will see you shortly."

I gathered myself together and headed out of his office. I had a new spring in my step. The money being offered was enough to feed a country, hell every year it would be like winning the lottery. I had seven years before I could retire, much better then the previous amount of time. Seven years, I would be twenty nine. Younger then thirty and I would retire a millionaire. I dropped the paperwork back off with the office bimbo and continued down the street to the sandwich shop. I was half tempted to go into a shop just to look at what I would be marketing, but decided that was too much for right now.

I got my food and pulled out my Blackberry. I placed a phone call to the first the came up, which was my father."As soon as I heard the phone picked up I practically yelled in his ear. "Dad! Guess what!"

"Son tone it down a bit, what is it. I assume its good news."

"Dad, I got a promotion!" He is going to be so surprised.

"After only two weeks? What position is it for?"

"CMO, and I know it's sudden but I already signed the paperwork. I am there for seven years and then I can retire, can you imagine? Retiring at twenty nine, I feel like I have hit the jack pot."

"Have you told Tanya yet, wait of course not. Does Bella know?" He wasn't reacting the way he was supposed to he was supposed to jump out of his chair with excitement. Then again I guess that could just be me. I guess after having five kids each extremely successful, you would get somewhat immune to news like this.

"No I haven't, I don't think I am going to tell either of them for awhile. With Tanya I want to get some money saved up before she goes and spends it, and Bella wouldn't care either way." I know what Bella would do she would jump into my arms and scream telling me how proud she was, all Tanya would ask was how much they were paying me. I think I need to rethink this whole relationship.

"If you don't want to tell them you don't have to. I am proud of you. Keep up the good work, just don't let the money get to your head. I got to go out grocery shopping with your mom. Talk to you when you get home son, I love you." At least he's proud of me, I know even though some time has passed he still doesn't like Tanya much, but she is starting to grow on the family.

"Love you too, bye Dad."

After the phone call ended I went back to my sandwich. I knew that I wouldn't be able to eat it as I was too excited. I threw it in the trash and made my way to the nearest coffee shop. I couldn't help it. I needed to look and see what we had opposed to our competition.

After the small trip I went back to work and headed towards Mr. Smith's office. My first thought of him after I opened the door was holy crap he's young! He couldn't be a day older then thirty five, and here he was retiring. That's what I would be like in seven years. "Good afternoon, Mr. Smith. I can guess the Boss told you I was coming in."

"Aww, Mr. Cullen it's a pleasure to meet you. So I can gather you are still learning everything, right." I nodded. "Good, now throw everything you learned here and in school away. School teaches you theory, and I highly doubt you needed to learn how to put papers into files. All you need to know now is the best way to gather new customers and keep the ones we have. If you know that then you will be brilliant at this job. O and you need to read too, it's a lot of reading. Now give me an idea to attract some customers."

I was afraid of what a wrong answer might do to me, but I also knew the answer. "One thing that we can do is start offering a larger and healthier variety of breakfast sandwiches. Most of the competition have them and theirs are all heart attack inducing. Our market is mainly business people and mom's, most of whom care about what goes into their body. We should also have a larger range of fresh fruit." I told him confidently looking at him with the same cocky smile he was giving to me.

"Great answer bud, screw the rest of your probation, I'll get the paperwork in order today. Tomorrow you start as my apprentice. I may even be able to retire early."

"Sir, what about the training?" I had to ask, I knew I could handle the job, but I was also confused to why they were promoting me so fast. I was only an employee for a few weeks.

"Son, the business world doesn't wait; you have the brains for the job. The rest comes from experience and I am sure you know what you are doing. Training won't help you, the only thing that will is doing the job, if of course you learn by doing. If not you wouldn't even be a candidate for the marketing job here in the first place."

"I understand. I will do brilliant." I was in shock, how could something so good happen to me?

"Good to hear. What I need you to do is go to your cubicle and clean it out. I assume there isn't much to it, it anything at all. Tomorrow come back to my office first thing and we will begin what you were meant to do. As for the rest of today, your first check has already been direct deposited into you checking account. Go buy yourself a new phone, and three designer suits. You need to look like you fit the part, oh by the way what kind of car do you drive?"

What would my car have to do with this? "A Volvo S40. Why?"

"That will work for now, within a year though you need a true luxury car. I'm thinking an AMG Mercedes or Porsche, until then a Volvo will be fine."

"I can do that sir. Anything you need from me?"

"That will do it for now; I hope you like the high life son, welcome to it. Congratulations!"

I made my way to my cubicle and packed up the pens and other miscellaneous stuff that had accumulated in my short time in the space. A CMO, that's a job people only dream about. I wonder why they hire such young ones though, it makes little sense, normally companies hire old farts to word on the board. I guess they needed someone fresh, someone who could easily be warped into that company's way of thinking. Come to think about it the only older people I found working there where in the bottom ranks. I wonder why? I guess that's why they are the most successful company in their industry. They use people who are not clouded by greed to do the work, and once they start to get greedy, they are replaced. Sounds like a good idea to me.

I went to purchase my suits and phone. The mall had a Macy's and Verizon all that I needed. I upgraded to a top of the line new Blackberry and bought three of the most expensive suits Macy' carried. On my way out I stopped to look at the women's stuff. I saw a Coach bag that I knew Tanya would drool over so I picked that up too. I wandered a little further into the clothes and started to look for Bella. I somehow remembered her sizes from what Alice mentioned to my mom a few months ago. I eventually found a black dress. I don't know why I decided to get it for her; I guess I couldn't help my self.

After Macy's I remembered that my home computer was a little older then I wanted it to be. Mr. Smith hadn't told me to get a new one yet but I assumed that it would be a good idea. I headed to the nearest Best Buy and looked over the specs while not really making a decision. I wanted one with eight gigs of RAM and wouldn't even look at the rest of the specs if it didn't have at least that. Right when I was about to give up a red haired sales girl bounced up to me, "Can I help you with anything sir?"

"Actually, you can Miss. I need a laptop for work, and none of these seem to have the specs I want. I need at least eight gigs of RAM and a five hundred gig hard drive. Any laptop you have fit those." She looked at me in shock; I guess most of her customers didn't know what they wanted.

"Well, what is your business for? Unless you are gaming eight is not necessary. If you are just multi-tasking, I would go with the i5 and four gigabytes. We have plenty of computers that fit those specifications."

"I will be making spread sheets and possibly watching presentations as well as designing them. Are you sure that four will be enough?"

"I am sure but we do have expandable memory cards that will be able to give you eight gigabytes. If you decide to make a purchase we can install it today."

"I'll do that then thank you. Can you pick me up a card and this notebook," I said pointing to an HP. "I need to pick up some software."

She nodded at me and I hoped she was paid on commission. This was going to be a very large sale for her. I picked up Office Elite and any other software program I think I may need. I was looking forward to heading home after the instillation, Bella had promised me a walk a few days ago and I needed to spend the time with her. As I was making my way to the register and the red head my new phone rang, thank god I didn't change my number. "Hello," I said into the receiver while juggling the boxes in my hands.

"Son you need to come home now."

This can' be good. "What's going on Dad?"

"Jasper's gone." He said and then broke down into tears.

This can't be happening, I just talked to him. He said he was going to be here. He only had a few weeks left, why now? Why him? I felt tears well up in my eyes and I dropped my boxes. The red head that was waiting for me ran up to me. "Sir, are you ok?"

I woke up from my mental sob fest and finally answered my dad, "I'll be home soon. I just need to finish this first." I said then hung up the phone. I turned to the girl, "I'm not ok right now, but I can't go home yet. Can you check me out and install the soft and hardware for me?"

"Sure thing, If you don't mind me asking, what's going on?" Normally I would get angry if a total stranger walked up to me and started asking questions, but this wasn't a normal situation and this wasn't a normal girl.

"My father just told me my brother died, but that's only half of my issues. My entire family wants to rip my nuts off, my fiancé irritates the crap out of me, and I am still in love with my ex, who just so happens to live with me." The poor girl got a look of pure shock on her face, and swiped a couple items, I couldn't help but continue. "My ex is the only one in the house who doesn't yell at me, even though she is the one who is hurting the most. I also just got promoted at work, a dream job and now I can't even be excited about it because of my brother."

"How are you paying today sir? I'm not trying to be insensitive, but I do have a job to do. Do you want to keep talking?" I nodded at her and swiped my card. I pulled out my I.D. and she gasped. "Your part of the Cullen clan. Wow, I'm not star struck or anything, it's just I wasn't expecting that. I will bring this over to the Geek Squad department and it will be done in an hour. I can take my lunch now anyways. You ready to go?" I nodded again and followed her as she punched out and grabbed a coat.

"So we can either walk somewhere or you'd have to drive, I don't have a car. I am working to buy one, but it's not working as well as I'd hope. Something always seems to come up. I'd say that you get it, but you probably don't I mean with your family and all. Shit, that made me sound like a bitch. Sorry." She said smiling at me.

"Miss what's your name, you can call me Edward, and don't worry about it. My Bella always has the worst case of word vomit." I told her smiling at the mention of Bella.

"I'm Missy, so miss isn't that far off. Bella's your ex isn't she?" This girl was perceptive; I almost loved her for it. I can see us becoming quick friends.

"Ya she is, but I think I messed it up. She never moved on, but I think the scars run too deep. I did leave her once how can she ever trust me after that? I can barely trust myself."

"True there may be scars, but how can you know how deep they are if you run away from the love you are feeling? So what about your fiancé, why are you starting to resent her?"

"She is starting to annoy me. She is nowhere near my intelligence level and is well, needy. She also wants things her way, but never asks for it. I am so confused by it, before Bella came back into my life we were inseparable, now I can barely stand to look at her." I was surprised at how well I could open up to her. I guess she was the first person in nearly a month who could listen without yelling or breaking down in tears after she got away from me. Missy was a great person. "What about you? Are you in school? I have told you so much about me, but I know nothing about you." I told her as we entered the tiny buffet.

"Edward, I can't afford this!" She exclaimed as she entered the restaurant.

"I can pay; really it's no problem for me." I told her encouraging her to go on. We got our table and plates but neither of us were really eating.

"Well I am in school, I'm studying psychology. I am dead broke, I am an only child and my parents are drug addicts. Sorry to be so blunt, but I can't think of a more eloquent way to put it. Anyways, I am living off of scholarships and student loans. I work at Best Buy to pay the bills, and hopefully get a car. I'm twenty years old and I have my bachelors already. I guess you could say I'm determined, I just can't stand to live the same life my family has for generations."

"You are so strong. So are you completely alone?" She was starting to amaze me. She would be a good friend in time. I don't think that now is the time to do it though. Everyone is hurting, and I highly doubt they would be thrilled if I brought yet another girl home with me.

"I don't even have friends. People don't understand me; I am slightly socially awkward and say things that offend people. I say what I see, if people don't want to hear it then I don't need them. I guess it would be different if I had formed bonds with people, but at the same time if I formed bonds with people they would understand my word vomit." She smiled at me.

"That's mature, but if you have word vomit, how can you be a shrink? I mean your job is to listen and make people happy, if you say things that offend people would you lose clients?"

"Did I say that could possibly offend you until you started crying? I know that people in my office will cry everyday, but I will be expecting it. It's not everyday that someone comes into a Best Buy happy like you and then starts crying like a baby. Plus you looked like you needed someone to talk to; I can tell when people are lonely."

"How did you know I was lonely?"

"Edward, you seemed thrilled but at the same time sad, you looked like you had the best news in the world but no one to share it with. I see people like you all the time, but they never take the time to talk it out or buy me a four star dinner. I am amazed that you even took the time to talk. You guys are like celebrities."

"That's an accurate depiction, so you want to hear about my struggles I might be able to get through tonight if I can talk it out. Sorry, I don't mean to impose." I looked down shyly, something about her made me want to open up my inner most thoughts.

"Edward, tell me anything. I want you to leave feeling better, and I want you to cheer up as much as you can. Why don't you start by telling me what brother died, and we can go from there."

"It was Jasper. It seems like just yesterday I was talking to him about his future with Alice," Missy interrupted me, "She's the pixie like one right? And is Jasper the Blonde army man?"

It's shocking how much people know about you before they even meet you, at least when you grow up in the tabloids. I nodded towards her. "Anyways, they were going to get married and Jasper was looking forward to kids. He wanted nothing more then to be a free man. I miss him so much, he was my first brother and he always looked out for. He and Bella were best friends too, back in high school for our first date we double dated. That's how Alice and she became such good friends. Jasper always looked out for her and I wouldn't be surprised if he kicked some ass after I left in her favor. I knew he hated Tanya."

"Wow that's intense. So how are you coping with everything?"

"Not very well, I cry then get angry, then get happy; I swear I am turning bipolar. I just want things to work out. I miss my brother but I miss feeling complete more. I haven't since I left Bella."

"I think that the Bella Tanya situation can wait for a later time, I have some thoughts on that, but now is not the time. So Edward, how would you feel about walking me back to work? Sadly not all of us can get big, secretive promotions." She smiled at me again. I couldn't believe how cheerful she was even though she was going through so much.

"Missy, how can you be so damn happy? I mean fuck you have to work a shitty job, where people probably yell at you all the time, you have no friends, and no family. What do you do with yourself?"

She laughed and answered, "I would rather only have people in my life that mean something to me. You are welcome to be one of those people," she told me as we got to the door and she walked inside. "Here's my number, call me whenever you need to talk." She walked away from me, leaving me speechless. I couldn't help but stare after her. She was going to be a great friend.

I picked up my computer and threw it into my truck with the rest of my purchases from the day. I already had a plan to make Missy's life a little easier. She was too good of a person to deal with the cards she's been dealt. Some people amaze you, while others make you wonder why God blessed them with the gift of life. Which one is Tanya?

* * *

I got home and slammed my car door. My conversation with Missy slipped my mind and all I wanted to do was be with my family. I needed them right now. I stumbled on the step as I raced into the house. Carlisle met me at the door.

"Son, he was killed while trying to save some of the members in his crew."

Tears welled up in my eyes again as I nodded towards him. I noticed Bella cradling Alice in her arms. Of course this would be harder on her then anyone else. He was her soulmate, the only one for her. I wish my life could be as simple as that. Having my love life laid out for me from the day I joined my family. I knew of course that could never happen to me.

Esme looked at me with a slight smile. "Bella, I can take over now." I saw Bella nod and turn away from my sister. Alice looked about as great as I felt. I knew I should try and comfort her, but something told me now was not the time. I noted that Tanya was no where in the room with the rest of them, strange but I guess she didn't want to get in the way. Tanya doesn't do to well with tense situations.

I walked over towards Bella and sat next to her. She looked at me with red rimmed eyes and tried to smile. It came out more like a grimace. "Bella, can you take that walk with me now?" I asked wanting to grieve in private. With as mad as everyone was at me, I figured it would be the best choice. Avoidance, until they can deal with their emotions a little better. I am such a damn pansy ass.

I grabbed a blanket and headed out of the house. I started to walk towards my meadow. I noticed the sunshine breaking through the cloud cover and couldn't help but feel my heart sink. It was if Jasper was sending a message to us. Bella matched my pace and I slung my arm over her shoulders, pulling her close to me for comfort. If I would have been a smarter man I would have sought comfort in the arms of my fiancé, not my ex. I am not a smart man though, and just having Bella near me made the grief easier to deal with. I almost wanted to place a kiss on her head, but stopped myself. I walked to my place, my escape from everything.

I laid out the blanket, sat and patted the space next to me. Bella sat as far as she could get away from me, and I couldn't help but stutter out, "Bella, here next to me." I need her comfort. She's the only one who can make me feel happy.

I pulled her close to my chest and started to cry. I started to pepper kisses in hair, the smell calming me. She started to cry with me, curling herself into my lap, almost melting into me. At that moment we became one.

After awhile our tears began to slow, and I couldn't help but ask. I hoped I didn't ruin our moment but I was curious. I needed to see why she wasn't in my arms trying to comfort me as soon as I walked in the door. "Bella, where's Tanya? I didn't see her when I got home."

* * *

**End Notes- SO I know this is weird, but on Bella's side she had a fun time with Alice before she heard the news and I figured Edward needed his happy moment too. This also seemed like the best chapter to introduce Missy. She will eventually become a great friend to the Cullen's. Also Edward needed someone to talk to because of how everyone is reacting to the situation. Please Review, and the offer for a Beta still stands.**


	4. Confusion

Chapter Song: _Dear God_- Avenged Sevenfold

_After awhile our tears began to slow, and I couldn't help but ask. I hoped I didn't ruin our moment but I was curious. I needed to see why she wasn't in my arms trying to comfort me as soon as I walked in the door. "Bella, where's Tanya? I didn't see her when I got home." _

Bella bit her bottom lip in a way I am sure meant she was nervous about something. I immediately knew something was wrong, Bella normally had the worst word vomit I had ever come across. "Edward that is something we need to discuss as a family. I'm sorry but I don't think now is the time to tell you."

I wanted to push her, I wanted to know why my fiancé wasn't trying to comfort me, but I guess I should accept Bella's answer. "Understandable, Bella what would you have done if it were me who died?" Did those words seriously just escape from my lips? Why can't I keep my insanely large mouth shut?

Bella looked shocked at my poorly thought out question. She blushed and hid her head under her chocolate mane that was calling to me. Her smell intoxicated me, causing me to care about nothing but her smile, laugh, and eyes. "I'll answer on one condition; you have to answer the same question pertaining to me. Agreed?"

That shocked me, how could I tell her what was truly in my heart? I am sure these feelings are fleeting, I am certain they will fade in time, but I guess I should answer her question with the honestly that she will grant me. Bella, bless her soul, can not lie to me. Her face always scrunches up and she can't make direct eye contact without blushing. I nodded towards her and she took a deep breath. "If you were to pass away, I would be even more of a wreck then I am now. You are and were the only boy I ever fell in love with, and I would be a wreck not knowing what could have been. I'm sorry if my answer makes you uncomfortable, I really am tired of playing around."

I absorbed her answer and for some reason, my heart felt like it had suddenly grow wings. I felt closer to her then I ever had. I wanted nothing more then to wrap her in my arms and hold her close to me, stupid hormones.

I prepared my answer as I looked away, fighting back tears. I swear Alice put estrogen in my soda as a joke. "Bella, Love thank you for you're honestly. You are my first love and I never fell out of love with you, right now I am trying to fight the feelings that I have for you. The biggest part of me wants to tell Tanya to piss off and spend the rest of my life with you. The other, more logical, part of me knows that I should stop imposing on your life. I am not good for you. I left you once and before I could fix what I had done, it was too late. If you were to be taken from me suddenly I would be in the state Alice is in right now" That was waay to honest. I didn't even realize I feeling that myself. I just need time to get this straight in my mind.

"Edward, I love you. You never imposed on my life, and it was my choice to not give up hope. I know you are engaged, and I also know that you need to try you hardest to make it work. I just wish we had our shot at our forever together. Please understand that it was never too late, and it's not too late until you are married." I pulled her closer to me, until we melted into one. She did have a point, it still wasn't too late. I should have known that she would still be fighting.

I looked down at her, seeing the glistening tear drop on her face, and slowly bent down. I closed my eyes and immediately found her lips. It was unintentional of course, but it felt so right. In those five seconds, I finally felt alive. I couldn't help the words that slipped out of my mouth next. "Bella, don't give up on me. I will find some way to make this work."

I held her close, kissing her forehead and hair for some time. I felt alive, even though I had lost so much. Bella has always had that effect on me. I finally drifted out of my fantasy, and realized what I was doing. I gritted my teeth and pushed Bella away from me. "What the hell am I doing? I'm so sorry Bella, I have done this. I'll meet you back at the house in a few minutes."

I stood up and did the only thing I was good at, I walked away. While walking away from her I felt all the warm and fuzzy feeling that washed over me while holding her disappear. I was alone again, without the girl I wanted to be with. Wait! Why the fuck did I think that, Tanya was the girl I wanted to be with. I needed to make this work, so that Bella could have faith in me again. I can be loyal; I can be a good man.

I slowly made my way back to the house, and walked in the house with my head down. I couldn't meet anyone in the eye now that I had used Bella like that. She noticed my entrance and gave me a megawatt smile. It sent my heart into my throat again. Bella was like meth, totally addictive and stimulating to all the right parts. When ever I was with her, I forgot why I shouldn't be anywhere near her, only that I needed another fix. I needed Bella like air, without her there was no reason to breathe.

I addressed my family when I knew I could speak without declaring my addiction. "Hey guys sorry about the walk. I just needed to be with Bella for awhile."

"Don't you find it odd that you went crawling to Bella before you even asked where Tanya was? What do you even see in that stuck up bitch?" Alice said to me sitting up. She looked like total crap, her hair was half smashed, and her eyes looked like she had smoked a few too many bowls. Just because she lost Jasper though didn't give her the right to be such a bitch.

"I know you're hurting Alice, but that is no way to talk about her. She never did anything to you." I was like all the air was sucked out of the room as I said this. Suddenly, even my mother got a massive scowl on their faces.

Dad looked at me, anger visible in every line on his face."Edward, Tanya said some things today that I found inappropriate. She is banished from the house until she can form a proper apology to the family."

I felt myself growing even more frustrated. I knew they didn't like her, but to kick her out of the house seemed a little childish. If it were me I would just tell her that what she said was offensive, and not to say things like that in the future. "Would someone mind telling me what she said? I think I have the right to know why everyone suddenly hates my fiancé."

I heard Bella mumble, "It's not all that sudden," under her breath. I chose to ignore her and turn back to my father looking for an answer.

Alice instead spoke up, a fiery rage burning in her eyes. "Edward, she insulted Jasper, and then was very unsympathetic about the situation. She said that we shouldn't be upset because we knew that this was a possibility. _Then on her way out the door she said and I quote: Why am I marrying in to this incest infested family?"_

I couldn't believe Tanya would say something like that, she was always so understanding and from talking to her I learned that she liked my family. They were always nothing but polite to her, why would she do this? I looked towards my father and nodded at me, solidifying what Alice had told me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This put a damper on things. If Tanya really said something so callous, then I couldn't bring her back into the house until after we had some time to grieve. She would only make the situation worse.

I turned my back on my family and said, "I need to think," more to myself then the room.

(Line Break)

I tore through the room I shared with Tanya, ripping things off the walls and out of drawers. I wanted to cry, I wanted to hit something, but above all I wanted to hold Bella close to me and tell her how much I loved her. The last one though I knew was because of the feelings Tanya injected into me. I lay on my bed and screamed into my pillow, not caring who heard. I was done with this. I am done with being hurt by my own feelings.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out my Blackberry, I needed to talk to someone. A neutral party who would not judge my situation, I knew just the person who could help me through this.

"Hello?"

"Missy hey, sorry to call, but I need someone to talk to."

"Edward, what's going on? I 'm sorry again about your brother."

"My family just told me that my fiancé was very insensitive towards them when they got the news of Jasper's death. She was kicked out of my house." I told her, relishing in the friendliness of someone who wasn't pissed at me.

"I'm sorry to hear that Edward, but what do you want me to do about it? I mean all I can do is talk to you, and offer some crappy advice."

"I know, I guess I just need someone to talk to. I want to take a break from my relationship with her. Bella and I seem to be moving along in our friendship, and if it turns into something more permanent I want to hold on." Did I seriously just say that? I must be losing it. I can not possibly still be in love with her after all this time. I know I love her, but that is just platonic.

"Edward, I want to offer you some advice; I need to go do some laundry, and my neighbor has started to bang the crap out of his girlfriend." I heard screams of pleasure in the background. "Never go a day without someone you can't stop thinking about. If Bella is where your heart lies don't run from it, please stop trying to deny what you are feeling it will only end in heartbreak. I got to go though, talk to you later. Lunch in a few days?"

"Sure thing, bye Missy." I said as I made lunch plans and pulled myself together. Sure I may have feelings for Bella, but they could be based on something besides love. I could just have missed her terribly.

I paced my room a little more a plan forming in my head. I knew what I was going to do, and for the first time I felt confident in myself.

"Edward, I am sooo sorry about what I said. I didn't mean it. I promise." Tanya said as she answered the phone on the first ring.

"Tanya I understand that you may be sorry now, but that still doesn't solve the fact that you said it. This is my family, the people that I love the most in the world."

"Edward, I didn't mean it, it just kind of slipped out. Please forgive me, please don't leave me. I love you so much."

"As I love you, but that doesn't fix the fact that you have insulted my family. Not only that, but you have shown disrespect at the loss of someone I loved very deeply. I know you are not as close to your family, but what they are feeling would be much like you losing me. Also I am angry at you as well; I never realized your similar disdain for them. If I would have been there I probably would have kicked you out of my house, and we would no longer be together."

"Don't leave me, please." Her begging wasn't going to change my mind, she messed up and she needs to face the repercussions. If she honesty thinks that I am not letting this go unnoticed, she is sorely mistaken.

"I am not leaving you per say, I am giving you time to think about what you have said to my family. For the next few weeks consider us on break. I cannot have a wife who insults my loved ones, and you need to think about what marrying me really means. Take this time to think about us, and if you are just with because of selfish reasons. My family is a package deal, take it or leave it." She sounded slightly tearful, which for some sick reason made me happy. I guess it was my form of revenge for what she had said. "I'll bring you some more clothes tomorrow; I'll give you a call with the location."

"I love you so much; you can't do this to me. You are all I have, please Edward, let me make it up to you."

"Don't beg, it makes you look pathetic. I am not changing my mind, and you can either take the situation or leave it. You have hurt me with your actions and I will forgive you in time, but for now you need to own up to what you did to all of us."

I heard heavy breathing on the other end of the phone, she seemed to collect herself, and "I understand Edward. We can meet at the library downtown around three tomorrow. I truly am sorry about what I said, I love you."

I hung up the phone without saying I love you back. Tanya didn't deserve that peace of mind, hell the only thing she deserved was a formal breakup. I couldn't do that right now though. I felt the feelings I had for her rise to the surface, and I started to cry. Somehow deep down inside I knew things would never be the same.

I cried for her for a little while, and then decided that she wasn't worth it. I took a shower to wipe all remnants of tears from my face, and dressed in lose jeans and a t-shirt. I wanted so badly to call Jasper and tell him how much I missed him. I wanted to beg him to come home. It hurt to know that the last time I spoke to him, he was unhappy with me. I wanted to go back and tell him that I was going to make things right, but it was too late now.

I made my way downstairs, counting the steps. I feared walking back into reality. I made my way to the kitchen and saw Esme putting bowls on the table, her homemade soup warming the house. I saw Charlie sitting next to Jacob Black at the kitchen table and felt anger rise in my throat. Why the hell was that jerk in my house?

"Edward, I'm sorry about Jasper. I understand you were close, I wish I could bring him back for you." Jacob told me.

"Why do you care? It's not like you were ever close to anyone in my family. God your grandfather even sued us for simply having money." I raised my voice to him, feeling the anger that was instilled in me bubble to the surface.

"Good thing I'm not him then. Look I'm sorry about the past, but it's over now. Jasper was my friend, and I can honestly say that I am feeling just as mournful about this as you. Get over this stupid enmity between us, everyone else has. It's not like I did anything to you guys, I wasn't even born yet. I am not my grandfather."

I pondered his words, could Jasper seriously had been his friend. It didn't make any sense to me. Why would Jasper talk to someone who tried to screw over our family? Maybe what Jacob said was true, he certainly didn't look like his grandfather, nor did he act in the same way. Even when the hatred was at its highest, he never did anything against our family. Maybe he was truly Jasper's friend, like he was Bella's. "I'm sorry." I mumbled, deciding to give him a chance.

"Well good, I'm sorry about your loss. I loved him too." That's a more sympathetic apology then Tanya gave and she was my fiancée.

"Edward, son great to see you again. I'm so sorry about the circumstances though. I always thought we would have more time with him." Charlie greeted me, before diving into the bowl in front of him; I guess he really was tired of living off of top ramen and pizza.

I nodded towards him and spoke up, mainly towards my mom. "I have decided to go on break with Tanya. She needs time to think about what she did."

Suddenly the whole house cheered. I'm not sure how they heard me, but they somehow did. I guess in my family breaking up with your fiancé is considered a good thing. "Where's Bella?" I asked, wanting to get away from the sudden joy at my pain. They got mad at Tanya for being unsympathetic, but yet when I announce my temporary breakup they bust out the champagne. I almost hate them for it.

"On the couch, she dozed off shortly after you went upstairs." Mom told me. I nodded in thanks and went to the living room.

She was sprawled out on the couch, with her hands under her cheek. She was mumbling something about having to say something to someone. "Bella," I said gently as I shook her shoulder.

I smiled as I saw her eyes open, "Hey sleepy head, ready for dinner?" She looked so cute with the sleepy look on her face. She suddenly lost all the hardness I never noticed before. She looked so much like the Bella of four years ago I had to hold back tears.

"What, mmmhmm," she said confused. She met my eyes and the chocolate seemed to warm, blending with my green. My heart sped up, stupid hormones.

Jacob and Charlie joined me, and looked down at her, causing her smile to spread further. She didn't love me more; I was just another brother to her. "Hells Bells, you joined the land of the living. Nice to see you conscious," Jake joked with her.

She stood up and I started back away, feeling my heart slip into the floor. I'm not sure why, I mean ya I just acknowledged that she viewed me as a brother, but that shouldn't mean that my hear t should fall out of my chest. I walked out of the room pushing them out of my mind, and focusing on the real food in front of me.

I saw her walk in and couldn't help but feel happy again. Seriously, this girl was giving me mood whiplash. She sat down and started to devour her food, it was almost wolf like. I don't even think she was breathing. Everyone lowly took a seat at the table, and looked at her. "What?" She said clearly frustrated that someone interrupted her meal.

I smiled slightly, suppressing a giggle. "Nothing Bella, we just have some news for you. It could be good or bad, depending on how you look at it." I smiled even deeper at her, feeling it reach my eyes.

"Well what is it?" She grumbled, I realized why. She was always moody for the first couple minutes after she woke up, unless of course she was able to lie in bed. If she didn't like the news, then she would probably smack me upside the head. I love my little firecracker.

I decided to just spit it out, taking a deep breath, "Tanya and I are taking a break for a few weeks. She needs to learn a lesson about how to treat my family. I thought that you would be happy to hear it."

She swallowed her soup, which must have been to hot, because she choked and answered, "Well that's nice." I knew she was thrilled.

"We though you would think so," Carlisle told her. "On a not so happy note, Jasper's memorial service will be help in three days. We have everything together already; we are just waiting for Rose and Emmett to get here. It will take them about three days to be functional; I hear that plane ride is brutal." That was news to me, I had no idea Rose and Emmett were coming home so soon. I guess I figured they would here, but it never clicked. I am so getting my ass handed to me in a few days. Rose will not let me get away with the Tanya thing without at least a verbal lashing.

"Ok," Bella answered. I wonder what is on her mind?

As I was leaving the room I heard Jacob approach Bella, "Bells, let's talk. I haven't had a decent conversation with you in years."

I walked away before I heard her answer.

"Edward, you are making the right decision taking a break from Tanya. She will either learn her lesson, or prove to be unworthy. Sorry, but I hope it's the later."

I nodded towards her and started pacing. I wanted nothing more then to hold Bella in my arms. Maybe I could, friends can cuddle, and friends also can sleep in the same bed if nothing happens. I think I have a game plan.

**End Notes- Sorry about the long update wait! I know there is at least one reader out there, so here you go. My updates might take a little longer then normal because I just started a new job. I love it even though I am working 20 hours more then I used to. Anyways, I do not own anything you recognize, check out the song and please let me know how you like the story so far. With no feedback I am unsure if you guys like it or not. **


	5. Conditional

Conditional

Chapter Song- _Far From Over _Rev Theory

* * *

I went to my room and paced, wearing the carpet. I wanted to burst through the door that lead to my Bella but something was holding me back, and that something was glaring at me. "Edward you need to let her talk to him. He's her friend, the best one she had after you left her for your ill formed plans." Alice mumbled to me picking at her nails.

She was holding me captive in my own room, not letting me escape to see what they were talking about. I was starting to grow jealous of Jacob, how could he weasel his way back into her life? How could he so easily be forgiven?

"Edward, she forgave you easily too. It's just that you have been to focused on your mental musings to notice. That girl would give up anything for you." The damn pixie said as she got off the bed and started to pick through the bags I left at the foot of my bed. "At least that girl has good taste." She muttered.

I looked at her and rolled my eyes, then continued pacing. "Fine run to her Edward. If you piss her off though its not my problem." Alice stormed out of my room.

I followed timidly trying not to make a sound as I walked the way to Bella's room. Just standing outside her door I was consumed by her smell. I could never find a scent like that again if I tried. I stood outside the door trying to decided what the best way to barge in there was when I heard my name. I couldn't get any luckier they were talking about me!

""If you say so Princess, I saw the way you were looking Edward, so you guys going to start a thing up again? You should, I can tell you are still hung up on the guy." I knew that her answer was not one I wanted to hear. If she said yes, then I would feel bad because nothing could ever come of it, if she said no, well my heart would break all over again.

I took a deep breath and pushed my ear closer to the door. I was afraid if I even exhaled that they would stop talking and the door would be ripped open and my heart would be stamped out. I needed to hear her answer, and if it was something I wanted to hear, then maybe, just maybe I could let her back in my life as more then just a friend. Please Bella, please give me the answer that I want to hear, not that there is one.

"Not now, he's engaged. I am going to try to fight for him, well right now I'm playing hard to get. He can come to me." What the fuck does that mean? Does that mean that I have to fight for her? Does that mean that the big doofus pose a threat? What else could it mean? I am going to kill the over muscled mutt.

"Well what the fuck are you waiting for Hells Bells, go get your man!"

I couldn't take the conversation anymore at that point and knocked on the door. I felt my rage bubble down as I heard her voice. "Come in," it sounded like a choir of angels singing their song for me. It felt so right.

I saw her and the word vomit started to bubble in my throat. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut for long. I saw Jacob and went red, I'm sure Bella thought it was from embarrassment, but it was from fury. I wanted him no where near her, she was mine. I had to get over these possessive thoughts, but for that time I was a single man I could feel about Bella whatever way I wanted to. She was mine.

"Bella, I was hoping I could talk with you again, but if you're busy I understand." I muttered, praying she wouldn't turn me away. Jacob turned and looked at me smiling, "Eddie man, I was just leaving. I need to console your sister some more. Please take my place on the bed; I kept it warm for you." He smirked as he left the room. Stupid conceited jerk. I wanted to pound his face into the pavement.

I turned to Bella and said the first thing that came to mind, unfortunately it was the wrong thing to say, "Hi Bella, I'm sorry about happened earlier. I am not that guy who goes around two-timing his fiancé. It's just I don't know what the right thing to do is, I love you and want you, but at the same time I love Tanya as well. I don't know if I am with Tanya for love or convenience though." The stupidest thing that I could ever say to the woman of my dreams fell out of my mouth. I felt like beating myself over the head with a paperweight.

Rage filled Bella's perfect face and I couldn't help but step on my foot, I needed to get some kind of punishment for what I just said, I didn't even mean it. I just wanted to ask her if I could in her room tonight. I guess that plan is blown.

"I am sorry, but I don't know what to do. I want what I feel with you to come from my relationship with her, and sometimes it does, but only when I am reminded of you. I can't get you out of my head Bella." My reply was even worse then my first statement. I prayed for her to just me shoot me so I could be put out of my misery. I blew it.

"Maybe you should go see a shrink then. All I want is for you to be happy, and I'm at the point now where if you think that she is the one that will make you happy go for it, but keep in mind that I am not going to wait around for you anymore. If I find love again, I am not going to run away from it, I am going to embrace it. Make up your mind and think about what you want." Her words hurt, they seemed to rip a whole through my chest taking away my ability to breathe, it was in that moment that I realized that I loved this girl and I would do anything for her, be anything for her. I should let Tanya go, I knew it. I think that Tanya though was everything that I needed her to be, a perfect substitute for what could have been. I was going to let Bella go, after I had my shot at happiness. One night was all I needed, one night to seal my forever.

"What now that Jake's back are you going to run into his arms? He is not the right guy for you, and you know it. Please give me some time to think this over." God that was stupid.

"Jake and I are never going to be a couple. I don't see why you are jealous of him anyways, he's just a friend. As for time you had it, four years of it. Like I said I am not going to run from happiness anymore. If someone comes along that makes me happy, well then I guess you are going to have to fight for me." That was the absolute last thing that I ever wanted to hear coming from her perfect mouth.

"I understand. I shouldn't be asking you to do this for me. Bells, can we call this fight quits?" I asked finally shoving a foot in my mouth. I gave her a genuine smile and could almost see her knees go weak, I had the same effect on her.

"Ok, I guess so what did you come here for, besides telling me that you weren't sure what you wanted from me?"

I tried to formulate an answer to that question that would not make me seem like a d-bag, I knew I came here to hear her voice to and to see her again, maybe I could get a night wrapped in her arms. "I wanted to ask you if I could stay the night in here. I want to cuddle."

Her jaw dropped and she issued me a small smile, "Wouldn't that break your whole cheating thing?"

"Nope, right now I am a free agent, I can cuddle with a friend," I replied back smiling.

"A friend that you still have romantic feelings for. I highly doubt that it would be the same if you cuddled with Alice."

"Well no, but please?" I grinned, begging her to say yes to me. I knew she couldn't deny me anything if I asked, much like I couldn't deny her anything. I think if we ever did start something up again, we would need to work on our codependent tendencies.

"Fine but your clothes stay on, and you are sleeping in pants."

"Ok," I said as I started to dance around a little bit, not able to help it.

I ran back to my room and ripped off my shirt and slipped into Guitar Hero pajama bottoms, nothing underneath. I'm sure that this didn't fit Bella's dress code, but hey she'd enjoy it and I could feel more of her skin pressed against me.

I made my way back to her room and saw her gulp and blush. It was an amazing sight, maybe she was feeling as aroused as I was. Crap, that was not a thought that I should be thinking. I should not be thinking about how incredibly sexy she was in that little tank top and short shorts, showing off her perfect milky skin. I jumped into her bed to try and hide my excitement.

"This ok," I asked snuggling into her bed. The smell of Bella consumed me and I missed her answer. I was to focused on hiding something that should have never popped up.

She slid in front of me and I was internally moaning. I needed to be touched, but that would be cheating. I was already doing something Bella that I would never do with Tanya because I would be afraid of molestation, plus Tanya didn't smell this good.

"Edward," Bella questioned, forcing herself into me a little bit more. I bit my lip, trying to suppress a groan of pleasure.

"What, love?" I asked trying to keep my voice level.

"Do you and Tanya spoon when you sleep?" I knew this question was coming.

"No I sleep on the couch. Why?" I knew why, she wanted to make sure that I was still the same Edward that she knew when I left. I was I could barely even kiss my fiancé, and she was never the one who got my blood flowing so to speak.

"Just wondering," Bella murmured as she fell asleep.

I fell asleep soon after her, ignoring the throbbing erection that I had developed. Even though it hurt and there was nothing I could do about it I would remain in Bella's bed as long as I could. This was where I belonged, now all I needed to do was tell Tanya how to get the fuck out of my life. I drifted off knowing as soon as I left Bella my feelings would tear again and I would be just as confused and heartbroken.

* * *

**Wow! Sorry about the long wait. I guess I just interest in this story and started to work on my other ones, I have three fan fics and one original I am working on right now. I am going to try and get back into this one and finish as soon as I can. I am trying to type at least a thousand words a day. Please hang with me, you wont be disappointed. **


	6. Prelude

**So this chapter will be a bit different. I will not be rewriting the entire funeral from Edward's POV because I feel it was beautifully written the first time. I will just include some of Edward's thoughts on his time with Bella and a brief reminiscence of Jasper in his mind. This will be a short chapter. **

Prelude

Song- _Prelude 12/21: _AFI

I woke up a few days and made my way to the bathroom attached to Bella's room, trying not to wake her. I am sure that if I were to stay in bed with her for any extended period of time I would end doing something I would later regret. I knew she was feeling some tension being around me, but if she decided to act on it I knew I would never be able to tell her no. I wanted to feel the girl next to me, around me, under me. Of course that wouldn't happen. I wouldn't let it happen. So while having her near me all night was torture in the morning it was worth it in the long run, she spoke in her sleep.

She would say that she loved me, she would curl up next to me and let out strings of mumbles that always ended in my name, or the demise of Tanya. She said nothing negative about her, which surprised me, I guess she was trying to let me make a decision on my own just like she promised me. I could feel myself falling even more in love with my Bella, and even more out of love with Tanya I forgot what was so special about her , why I wanted her, whenever Bella smiled at me.

The second I was away from Bella though, the doubts resurfaced, and Tanya seemed so right. She would stand by me no matter what. Tanya never questioned me, never put me in my place, and above all could never hurt me. She was perfect for anything but staying loyal.

I caught her cheating. I thought I would be hurt, I thought I would be angry, but instead I viewed it as a free pass. I could get one night with Bella, I just had to work up the balls to yank both our hearts out. Maybe one night together was all I needed to get over her, one night where I could finally let myself free.

Today was the day of Jasper's funeral, and all I could say was that I would miss him. He was my brother a best friend. He helped mold me into the man I am now, no matter how fucked in the head I may be. He taught me what it meant to love, even though I am afraid of it. I love you Jasper, I'll miss you.

Later that night after the funeral and everyone had their privacy, I made my way to bella's room. I found her standing by her window tears streaming down her face, "Hey," she said hiding her sobs.

"Hey. I figured you would need a friend, and I don't like to be alone in my bed so here I am! Want to cuddle?" I said smiling. Of course I didn't mind being in my bed alone, hers just smelt better. Also I had her to hold all night. I needed someone.

She led me to her bed and I smiled. Today hurt, maybe worse then I could have ever imagined, but at least I could crawl into bed with my Bella.

**Sorry about the briefness, but I had to put some Edward in here. I will work on the next chapter as soon as I get time and it should be posted soon after. I am getting good at this, two chapters in two days. Well you guys have to wait a bit longer, I still to find a title and song as of right now, plus I want to post Friday. **


	7. Breakdown

**Songs that inspired me this chapter- Something Beautiful NEEDTOBREATHE, Walk Away The Script, Feel Good Drag Anberlin **

**Sorry about the Wait! See You Below…..**

**Chapter 7 Breakdown**

* * *

The smell of Bella's hair came to me when I started to wake up. I knew it was only a matter of minutes before I had to leave her bed and make my way to the shower. I couldn't stay with her, in her bed, for long after I first woke up. All I wanted to do was kiss her to consciousness, and feel her skin pressed against mine, and there goes the thoughts that trigger my leaving of the bed. I started to shuffle around when I heard a door bang against a wall somewhere and was instantly ready to jump into action. I next heard angry heels stomping their way towards Bella and I. I went into defensive mode and pretended to be asleep pulling Bella closer to me.

Bella's door slammed open and I heard Tanya scream, "What the fuck?" Crap I thought it was Rosalie. I guess I should have taken her key when I dropped off her crap.

"Shut up bitch, I'm trying to sleep," was all I heard from Bella. I squirmed in the blankets getting more fully covered trying to hide from my fiancé. I really hated her in that moment.

I felt Bella turn to the door rubbing sleep from her eyes as I continued to feign sleep trying to figure out a way to talk my way out of this one. Thankfully my morning wood went away at the first sound of her voice. "I wouldn't be calling anyone a name right now Bella; you are after all in bed with another girl's fiancé." She paused for a moment and I started to get curious. I started to move around like I was waking up. She never sounded this intelligent. "Which leads me to ask what the flying fuck has been going on here?"

I sat up quickly trying to think of my saving grace to see the blonde beauty in front of me. "Tanya what the hell?" I asked both with curiosity and anger. She was not allowed here this was my safe place.

"I came here to find out why you haven't been returning my phone calls for the past day, and I find you in bed half naked with a girl who is supposed to be like a sister to you." She paused for a split second, her eyes burning into mine. "Does everyone in this family have a thing for their siblings? Is that why your mom was only able to pop out one of the inbred freaks? Fucking hell."

I felt anger bubble to the surface. Yes, I was in bed with another female. Yes, I said she was like a sister to me. That gave her no right to treat my family like complete garbage. We are unconventional and no one is related by blood. I spoke calmly, but with authority, "Hon, we were just cuddling. I didn't want to sleep alone after Jasper's funeral, and Bella wasn't in much better shape." I spoke defusing the situation. Why I have no idea. I was leaving her as soon as I worked up enough balls to do it. "As for me being half naked you know I sleep in just boxers. I put on pants to share a bed with someone else."

Her eyes still shone with anger, but her voice had calmed down. "Ok, I still don't see why you didn't call." Because you are a selfish cunt who is cheating on me with God knows what. She is getting tested before my penis gets anywhere near that vag. "Do you have something going on with her?" Only mentally. Like now in my head I am kissing down her beautiful body licking and nipping at random intervals. Shit Edward.

"Tan, no." Not a complete lie. "I would never cheat on you, even though at the current moment shouldn't even be in my house as you insulted my family, and on top of that you came in here and insulted them again." God, please give me the balls to kick her to the curb. "I know you're angry but this is between the two of us. You do not need to call my mother names, nor anyone else. If you cannot stop yourself from these negative thoughts our separation will be permanent." There I said something along the lines of I want to leave you. I still fail horribly at this though. Why was it so much easier to leave Bella? Oh, because I was a coward about it.

After saying my piece her face quickly flashed from a grimace to a soft smile of understanding. With her looking at me like that I almost forgot about the evil things she just said. I also forgot about the man that was in her bed. "I understand. Sorry, it was just a shock to see you in bed with someone else. The entire time I have known you, you have slept alone. Why don't you ever sleep with me?"

The double meaning was not lost on me and I quickly rolled my eyes. Why was she so obsessed with sex? It didn't make a relationship. I put on a sickenly sweet smile and answered sarcastically, "Sweetie, I do not share a bed with you because I am worried that you will molest me in my sleep." I saw her eyes flash with rage as I continued, "Now please leave the key I gave you on the dresser and leave the premises. I will not hesitate to call the cops if I find you anywhere near my house again. You are not welcome at the moment." I don't care if you are my fiancé I added mentally. My anger was flaring and in that moment I realized that I was truly starting to despise this women.

She growled out, "Aren't you going back to your own bed?" As she dropped my key on top of Bella's dresser and made her way to the door.

"No I am quite comfy here and am not doing anything wrong besides helping a friend through a tough time. If you have a problem with me loving my family, than maybe I should reconsider your move in next week." I already was. I just had to find one reason to kick her to the curb something that could only come from time together.

She left in a fury and I turned my attention back to the sexy goddess next to me. "Sorry Bella, I should have told you she was coming back next week." I said wanting to say something. "I want you to know though that I am still deciding what to do." I started to spoon with her.

I couldn't stop the Bella related thoughts that ran through my mind. "Umm, ok," came her slightly delayed response. She moved closer to me and pressed against my hard member. I felt it throb in response and I let out and involuntary groan of pleasure.

"Shit," I said aloud and bolted from her room before I followed through on what I truly wanted to do.

I ran from her room and into my shower and turned on the water. I needed some form of release now there was no hiding it. I hoped in the hot water and grabbed myself. Thoughts of Bella filled my mind as I stroked faster and suddenly my knees went weak. My seed went down the drain and I wanted to cry for myself.

"Edward Cullen you truly are a moron," I told myself as tears followed my release.

* * *

After taking a long shower and dealing with my embarrassment I made my way back to Bella's room. She had a slight glow to her cheeks and I could almost sense what she had been doing minutes before. It caused a stirring within me and made me grateful for the jeans I put on. Tanya never caused this reaction with me.

"Edward, you never told me why you left the army." She stated calmly with curiosity.

I didn't really want to share that story. It came with so much guilt and regret. "That's a hard story to tell." I replied.

She took my hand in hers and looked me in the eye, "I'm here for comfort. I don't really care what it is. I just want to know why you had to give up on one of your dreams."

I took a deep breath and prepared to relive the heartache and pain that came with that story. "I know, here it goes. I was newly stationed in Fort Sam when Eric joined my platoon. He was a slight boy with a big smile and a positive outlook. We quickly became friends. One day we were supposed to be running ten miles and I knew he would have a hard time completing it. "I paused for a moment, letting the memory rush over me.

"I talked him into trying, and about two miles in he started to complain of a mild headache. I made the stupid decision, and told him to suck it up. By the time we passed the three mile marker he was winded and collapsed by my feet. I forced him back up, and we took it easy the next seven miles. As soon as we crossed the finish line he passed out. His pulse was gone. He died there on the pavement, and I still blame myself. The strain on his heart killed him."

"After the incident, the officials called me into an office and told me that I was going to have to have to suck up the pain." Actually they told me to not blame myself; it was his fault for not being strong enough. Basic was intended to weed out the weak of body and mind. "We lose members in active duty daily and some of them are bound to be your friend. I tried and couldn't; they discharged me because of mental distress and inability to deal with the stress. After that I decided that a less violent field would be better for me."

"Wow," came a soft voice. I could tell she was shell-shocked.

"I guess business is just as ruthless though," I started to blabber. "Just in a different way. Big corporations monopolize everything, while the underdog suffers. Jobs are being exported, and there is nothing that American workers can do about it. I am lucky for my job, even if I have to go back tomorrow." I hated the fact I had to return so soon after Jasper's death, but it's not like I had a choice.

"My thoughts are so disorganized right now, sorry. Thinking about Eric always makes me a little scared. His life ended so fast, it makes me realize how sensitive our lives are. I relive that day every time it is mentioned." Bella opened her mouth to apologize and I cut her off. "Bella, it's not your fault, you didn't know. You have the right to know, and I feel better now that have told someone. No one else knows but you. I couldn't bring myself to tell Tanya; somehow I don't think she would understand."

After my speech I looked at her. I expected her to be brimming with sympathy, not the look of mild anger on her face. "So why didn't you talk to me or anyone else for the matter; after you left? It was almost like you disappeared off the face of the earth," she trailed off. A look of pain quickly replaced the anger in her eyes. I hurt the one person who would understand me.

"That one's easier to answer. I felt like a failure, and was going to stop at nothing until I gave you and my family something to be proud of. Bella, I couldn't talk to you because I felt like a loser. You deserved better, and still deserve so much better than me. I failed at our relationship once," because I was a pansy, I added mentally, "making a terrible decision. I failed at protecting my country, and I failed at staying faithful to my fiancé. I am scum."

Bella left the bed and looked at me with fire in her eyes. "Edward Cullen, do not say things like that. You didn't fail me because you did what you thought was best at the time. You didn't fail your country, because you tried and made the decision that you are not cut out to be a soldier. As far as being faithful to the half woman you call your fiancé, you have been. Most men do worse things at their bachelor parties, but all you did was give me a kiss." Our eyes locked and I felt what she was saying. I just wish that I could believe her.

"I wish I could see it that way love."

"You should, you have not failed. You have a job most college graduates would kill for. That comes from hard work. You have compassion for the world, that is why you are not a good soldier," I snorted being a soldier takes compassion. The ultimate compassion, you have to be willing to die for someone who hates what you are doing. "You saw the person behind the gun. If that is a part of you, military officials can't even smack it out." She told me. That part made sense. I could never get beyond the fact that I would not be shooting dummies; they would be real people with a family.

I decided to change the topic, not wanting to get into a disagreement about the army at the moment. "Bells, you make a good point. I need your opinion on something. I am inviting Tanya back into the house next week, and I want to know you are ok with it." She smirked and turned away from me sitting back rigidly on the bed.

"I guess we will have less time together as friends. I think that it will be positive. If you are around her it might make it easier for you to make your decision." I could tell she was planning something, but decided to let it go.

"I will talk to the rest of the family and see how they feel about the situation. If they have a similar answer as you then she will be back on Monday." I tried to sound perky, but it came out more as business.

* * *

I moved to my own room for the night. The argument that would ensue if I spent too much time with Bella was at the forefront of my mind. She was holding in rage, betrayal, and pain. I can't believe I was putting her through this. I picked up the phone many times the night and contemplated telling Tanya but could not bring myself to hit send. She was a good girl; she did not deserve what I thinking about doing.

I paced the floor for a few more minutes and finally hit send. "Edward now isn't a good time." She said after the fourth ring, sounding winded.

"What are you doing?" I asked out of curiosity.

"Paying you back for the position I found you in this morning. Seriously dude, she is a dirty skank what are you doing fucking around with her?" She asked as I heard a headboard bang into the wall.

"I never touched her," I hissed realizing what was happening. She was being pounded while I was one the phone with her.

"Sure doesn't look like that," Tanya moaned out.

I am done with this bitch. "Whatever, I was wondering if you wanted to come back Monday. I am sure the family will say yes." What the fuck did I just ask?

"Of course," she purred and disconnected the call.

I know what I am going to do now. I am going to humiliate the cunt and leave her out in the cold. No one treats me like this. She can't be cheating on me.

I hung my head and cried, waiting for sleep to overcome me.

* * *

**A/N- I have no idea what to say about the gap. There is no excuse other than real life came up and bit me in the ass. I have experienced more though, and feel that I can right better because of it. Now Edward's position makes more sense to me. I left my fiancé after 6 years together because he became controlling and slightly emotionally abusive. I was looking for an out and finally found it. **

**The loyalty Edward feels is because he knows it is what he should do. He hates her because Tanya is keeping her from Bella, but she is also the first person that talked to him when he was in pain. She was a friend someone to break the loneliness and a part of his brain thinks that she will go back to that. He will realize it in the next few chapters, slowly. This was his aha moment, now he just needs to gain the courage. **


	8. authors note

Dear Readers:

It breaks my heart to do this but I have come to the conclusion that I need to abandon my stories. I am a completely different person than when I first started to write and have faced a lot. I have tried to get back to them, but am unable to finish because my heart is not with them any longer. In a few weeks I will likely have a new story posted that will be better than my old writing. I have grown as an author. When I start a new story it will be one that has a lot of soul to it and shows how much I have grown as a person.

If you have any question about how the story would have ended, or would like to adopt please PM me and I will answer all your questions for you.

Thank you so much for being a fan and I hope to live you to your expectations in the future. Above all thank you for reading.

Nikki


End file.
